Mistaken For God
by ali-lou
Summary: A SiriusLily one shot. with reference to LilyJamesWalking down the aisle towards her true love Lily remembers her first love.


Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or Claire Bowditch's 'I Thought You Were God'

AN: Hi, I'll leave a longer AN at the bottom I just wanted to say that I wrote this for the songfic challenge at the Alliance for June/July. Enjoy!

**Mistaken For God**

It is February 11 1980 and when his endless gray eyes meet mine I can no longer hold in tears of joy. Today is not about us but I want this moment to be, I can see in his eyes that he is remembering too. I have often hoped that Sirius' memories are as fond as mine and right now, just for a second, I know they are.

_Storeman, your eyes are watery white.  
"Another long long night?" and you say  
"Be careful riding that boy's bike in the dark."  
"Don't worry, I'm not going far." _

It was nearing the end of winter holidays and Florean beamed up at me almost teary as I stopped by to show him my essay on medieval wizardry, he had helped me out with it and I had gotten full marks.

"Another long night Mr. Fortescue"I inquired teasingly "Exactly how much ice cream do you sell at 11:30?"

"Sassy, aren't we? If you must know I had a hunch you'd be here, it's back to Hogwarts tomorrow is it not?" smiled the ice cream connoisseur

"I have to go, people to see" I winked at him, I remember there was a long pause before he replied and when he did his eyes were watery with tears, that proud, nostalgic look parents get upon realising their children are adults.

"Well enjoy yourself with Mr. Black" Florean said knowingly "Be careful on that bike of his too, it's almost midnight" he added, peering outside to see Sirius leaning against the bike with his back to them looking interestedly up at the stars.

"You worry too much, it's not far" I leant over the counter and kissed his cheek in farewell leaving my essay on the counter, Florean always liked that sort of little memento.

I ran skipped out the door playfully putting my hands over Sirius' eyes

"Guess who?"

"Katie Kinselwood, that hot 6th year Ravenclaw" he joked "I've been hoping to see you" his voice was mock seductive as he turned and grabbed me by the waist lifting me onto his shoulder as I squealed and thrashed, my hair covering my face. Unexpectedly, as everything always was with Sirius, he placed me on the ground and took off down the street pausing to look over his shoulder his eyes sparkling with a silent invitation to chase him. I took off after him without hesitation.

We used to be like that, laughing all the time, mucking around. It always ended that way too, with me following after him I mean. You couldn't possibly understand it, at that moment had he told me he had conjured the stars into the sky I would have believed it. Which is somewhat worrying considering what a sweet talker Sirius was, and still undoubtedly is.

_I was very very young and terribly in love  
and not yet knowing that love alone may not be enough  
to undo all the silly things I thought.  
I thought you were God. _

"I love you" his voice was clear and his eyes were steely with confidence but there was a vulnerability in the way he lay there on the grass that belied how important this was "I mean that Lily, I Sirius Black am in love with you" he spoke as if I had denied it the first time.

I allowed my mouth to curve into a smile "You know I love you Sirius, God I love you"

"God huh? I like the sound of that!" as soon as he spoke I promptly slapped his arm and tried my best to overcome my joy enough to sound indignant.

"You, Sirius Black are no god" I spoke teasingly but on reflection I'm not entirely sure I believed myself. Scary thought.

Lying in the grass that night I couldn't possibly have imagined that I'd ever love anyone else more, I wasn't stupid. I didn't _really _think we'd be together forever. I guess I just assumed he'd eventually leave me and we'd go our separate ways, we'd both get married and our kids would be best friends. I never thought we'd just fall out of love and I certainly never thought I could love someone more. It just goes to show you how much I've changed, because the thing you have to remember is that I do. I love someone else now. I will love Sirius my whole life but I can say with confidence I'm no longer in love with him. Another thing I can say with confidence is that I'll never have that sort of innocent adoration towards someone again, you never have that twice, that naïve faith that there is no one better than them in the whole world.

_The night sky is peeling back her sheets.  
The linen is lavender and underneath it I ride you bike.  
The bike bar's cutting into my crotch.  
I stand up and power-pedal on. _

We used to stay up all night talking...amongst other things. Now, all these years later, looking into those stormy eyes I can still remember exactly how they looked when you taunted me for always wanting to go to sleep early.

"We'll be asleep all day if we don't get to bed soon" I grumbled pressing my face into his chest

"Lily, I sincerely doubt that not paying attention in class for one day is going to affect your grades" Sirius smiled, running a hand through my hair

"I didn't get to the top of the grade by staying out all night, anyway I'm only looking out for you, your OWL's left little to be desired as I recall" I grumbled

"Ahhh...but if there'd been an OWL in fun or charm or wit I would've topped the grade" Sirius smirked pulling me tightly to his chest effectively stopping me from getting up

"If there'd been an OWL in egotism or bravado you would've set a new record" I teased

"It's all irrelevant anyway because I am looking forward to a long and fruitful career in hedonism, and I'm pretty sure that I have the required grade already" his voice was husky as he placed soft kisses along the line of my jaw between words

"Yeah, you've got that one in the bag" I managed to stammer before succumbing to the feeling of his hands and mouth teasing me into submission.

In case you were wondering, I was still there when the sky turned purple with the start of the day. I did sleep through all my classes too. I also went straight to the room of requirement after dinner to do it all again. Sleeping all day, awake all night, I was as surprised as anyone to be head girl the following year.

_I was very very young and terribly in love,  
not yet knowing that love alone may not be enough  
to counter all the stupid things I thought.  
I thought you were God.  
_

It was the last day of the holidays before the start of our seventh and final year at Hogwarts. I remember walking into Gringotts to withdraw money for dinner. I was staying at the Leaky Cauldron for the night because it didn't make sense to trek home after my day of school supply shopping only to leave in the morning. The Leaky Cauldron wasn't exactly an elegant establishment but it had been my first glimpse of the wizarding world and a part of me would always love it for that. Anyway, in the foyer of Gringotts I queued to see a goblin and couldn't help but overhear the conversation the petite brunette in front of me was having with her friend who smelt so strongly of a sickly sweet perfume that the man in front of her had moved to stand behind me in the queue.

"The motorbike, the hair, he's easily the hottest guy in the whole school" I smiled as soon as she spoke, instantly knowing who they were referring to

"I know, but, I don't know about you and him Meg. No offense but he doesn't seem like the relationship type"

The brunette seemed to take offense at this and her retort was quick "Well you haven't seen him when we're together, he loves me, I know it" she spat out petulantly before storming from the queue

I remember denying it in my mind, I trusted Sirius implicitly, possibly to the point of stupidity in retrospect. Those girls must've been talking about someone else. As if to prove me wrong just before 'Meg' could leave the building her friend yelled after her

"Sirius Black is no good and we both know it"

I made it only as far as a nearby alley before collapsing on the pavement in tears. It could've been hours that I sat there, I felt like I'd spent my whole life praying only to find undeniable proof that my religion was a lie. I didn't want to go to Hogwarts again, I didn't want to be head Girl. In retrospect it's scary for a different reason, if I hadn't gone back I wouldn't be where I am today, and I honestly believe I'm meant to be here, walking down the aisle. Sitting in that alley, defeated, crushed and devoid of the faith that had kept me going I was more unhappy than I'd ever been, and probably more unhappy than I'll ever be again. I had given everything to him, he was almost more myself than I was and there was now nothing left of me. Eventually someone walked by me, squatting down on the pavement and saying something my brain didn't properly register. I got up slowly then suddenly I turned and ran all the way to the Leaky Cauldron breathless by the time I arrived. I pushed open the door of my room only to see Sirius there, sprawled on the bed looking smug. Also looking every inch a god, but that wasn't the point.

"How could you do this to me" I whispered, mustering an astounding level of calmness if I do say so myself

"What?" Sirius only proceeded to look deeply confused "What's wrong...Head Girl?" he grinned holding up the badge I had left in my drawer

"I know about you and Meg" I said shakily, not managing to maintain my calm this time

"Meg? I swear I don't even know a Meg" and looking into his eyes I knew it was the truth.

Every semblance of togetherness in my demeanour vanished and I burst into tears dropping to the ground where I lay all night. Sirius lying shocked on the bed for hours before sleep overtook him.

The next morning we left and boarded the Hogwarts Express together, neither of us acknowledged it but that had been the end of our relationship. That night everything that was wrong about our relationship was laid out before us, and neither one of us was strong enough to stand up for what we had.

I could see that night in his eyes how much it scared him to be able to do that to me, my grief that night was a tiny window into the consequences that could arise from our relationship and it was the first time we had been forced to acknowledge how serious we were. If we were going to stay together after that Sirius would have had to step it up a notch, act like we were together, because it was painfully apparent that I was all in. He wasn't.

_I believed in you. _

_We still talk, we still talk quite a lot_

_since the alarming discovery  
that you were never God and we still laugh,  
but the laughter's more sincere,  
'cause it's speckled with your tears. _

No one but Sirius and I know this, but he was the first one I called.

"Hello"

"Hey, it's me"

"Oh, hey, listen are you and James doing something for Christmas?"

"Not as far as I know, but I didn't call so you could make plans with me. I have something to tell you. James and I are getting married" I squealed excitedly

"So he finally asked you then?" I could almost hear him smiling at the other end of the line

"Yes. I'd ask you to be my maid of honour but I have a feeling you're reserved as the best man"

Sirius laughed "Since I was 11"

I suddenly had a bizarre urge to see him. "Listen, are you alone?"

"Yes, thanks for rubbing it in though" Sirius said wryly

"Can I come over?"

"I don't know, I mean you are James' fiance now and we are best friends..."

I interrupted him to speak "Shut up, I'll see you in 5 minutes"

* * *

It was later that night and Sirius and I were sitting on his couch by the fireplace

"I'm glad you came here"

"Me too" I replied, I meant it too.

"Who would've thought we'd wind up here"

"Certainly not me, I can't say it hasn't worked out well though"

"Yeah, you seem happy" Sirius phrased it as a question

"I am"

"I don't ever want you to think I'm not glad. I'm so happy for you Lil" Sirius clasped my hand in his as he spoke, looking me in the eyes. It was odd that he would say that, it seemed like a veiled reference to our brief romance and that was a topic that we had both studiously avoided for years. I was even more surprised when he elaborated.

"I just want you to know that I'm glad you and James are together, let's be honest we would never have been happy. I wasn't what you needed, I just assumed you were perfect because in comparison to me, you almost were" Sirius' tone was self-deprecating

"You make it sound like your fault, Sirius I always held you up to impossible standards. In my eyes you were god and no man can live up to that" it felt good to talk about it after such a long time.

"It seems to me that for whatever reason we just wouldn't have worked out but I learnt something from it. From us. Possibly the most painful lesson of my life" something about the complete honesty in his voice made me feel at ease despite our serious conversation "No matter what everyone tells you, sometimes love just isn't enough"

"I didn't ever think of it that way, but it's true. No one can say I didn't love you enough" I smiled, overcome by nostalgia

"Anyway, you're moving into the next phase of your life and I just needed to explain to you that it scared me, to have so much power to hurt you, I was petrified and I'm sorry"

"For what?"

"For being too much of a wimp to grow up and fix our relationship. If I had taken two steps and sat on the floor and comforted you" Sirius trailed off

"I know, I'm so happy now though, it scares me that I could be missing this, I don't regret anything and it makes me happy to know that you don't either" I spoke firmly

"I love you, Lily" Sirius hugged me close to him

"I love you too"

"What are my chances of long overdue post-breakup sex?" Sirius teased a few minutes later, thoroughly ruining the mood

"Slim to none" I replied poking him in the ribs

"I wouldn't have you anyway" he laughed tickling me until we were both teary from laughter.

_You were so young and terribly in love,  
not yet knowing that love alone may not be enough  
to undo all the secret things I thought. _

I thought you were God.

I broke eye contact with Sirius, turning to the hazel eyes in front of me and couldn't suppress the grin that broke out on my face. Walking the last steps to the altar I had never been happier and I had a feeling things were only going to get better from here. Who could have guessed ten years ago that I'd be standing here today, marrying James Potter. Certainly not me, although something in Sirius' eyes a few moments ago made me think that just maybe, he'd known this was going to happen all along.

The End!

AN: Okay so I don't really like the ending but I just couldn't think of anything better. Overall I quite like this although I don't know what possessed me to write a Sirius/Lily fic. I wanted to use the song (which by the way is by Claire Bowditch and The Feeding Set, a wonderful Australian band, I recommend 'Divorcee By 23' and 'On This Side' they are great songs!) and they were the first couple that came into my head to apply to it. If you want to see the site that I wrote this for (it's a challenge response) then head to

http/ snaperape018.proboards104 .com /index.cgi

obviously without the spaces!

It's a great site, sign up and **remember to say I referred you there in your form when you sign up...my username is alleycat! **

Please review, I love to read them and I want to use the new reply system because it rules!


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